


it's my fault (please be safe)

by acumirklis



Series: oneshots [3]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, poor darling needs a hug too, stay safe, the damn script is breaking my heart enough to write impulsively, tommy's not actually dead but tubbo doesn't know that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:54:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28119516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acumirklis/pseuds/acumirklis
Summary: Tubbo goes to see his best friend.And he finds his worst nightmare, instead.
Relationships: Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit
Series: oneshots [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2122416
Comments: 17
Kudos: 201





	it's my fault (please be safe)

**Author's Note:**

> here i am again, is this starting to become a trend now lol, what's up with me. anyways, this is also barely edited (even less than the other story) and idk, it's just a mess haha, but it's dear to my heart so here it is. maybe someday i'll come back and edit this xd 
> 
> that bloody plot's gonna break my heart a thousand times, ey? 
> 
> TW: implied suicide (tommy's alive but tubbo doesn't know that, at least not yet). if you feel like you are struggling, it is absolutely okay to reach out for help. you're loved, stay safe and take care, kind stranger <3

It was mocking him.

The rain was falling on Tubbo's head as he stared up, not caring about the iciness of the raindrops. He stared, and stared, and stared.

He hadn't been this excited in a long time; as he'd been running to that place, he had felt so much euphoria in his heart. His lips had stretched into smile, and he'd found his body so much more energized, he'd ran faster than ever. His heart had been beating so loudly in his chest; full of gleeful anticipation.

_It had been too long, way too long, since he'd seen his best friend. Days had gone by; his home didn't feel quite the same anymore. It felt oddly quiet and alone. Tubbo loved his friends dearly; but there was always something missing whenever he wasn't there._

_It had been lonely; and Tubbo had felt conflicted far too many times. He liked to put on a smile for his friends, pretend like nothing was happening. But in reality, his mind always kept drifting off, and his eyes often found their way to a specific direction, full of an emotion no one could quite decipher, so they'd keep their mouths shut._

_The roads of his home echoed with the sounds of the past, and it still felt like, sometimes, Tubbo could hear him laughing._

_But it was ridiculous; he had left. And it was for the better, he'd had a choice, an opportunity to comply and follow the rules, be selfless for once._

_But he hadn't; and now Tubbo had been left alone, trying to bury the creeping emotion trying to infest his heart and taint it._

_Thing had been getting serious, they still were; the times were uncertain, and peace was temporary, a ticking time bomb ready to blow them up all over again._

_Tubbo had never felt as cold as he did the day Tommy had left; and that memory would haunt his nightmares forever. He had stood there, his mouth shut tightly, while his head had screamed at him to protest, and his heart had bled out._

_But he had calmed himself; it had to be temporary. They'd meet again, he'd visit. Tommy would understand, one day, maybe he'd appreciate it, thank Tubbo, even._

_Something in his core had shifted that day; it was as if a switch had been flipped. There was a looming presence of something, and Tubbo feared to discover what it was. So, he pushed it down, ignored it, and busied himself._

His feet had carried him, as if he'd been flying, they'd carried him to the portal, and into the lands of fire. Full of traces of his best friend, it had caused him to soften.

The moment he stepped out, and took a deep breath, the rain crashed down on him, causing him to gasp. He looked around, eyes squinting, trying to make out the surroundings.

Something felt off. It was eerily quiet.

Tubbo looked around, and his eyes fell on a second portal; broken. It didn't mean anything, maybe it was just a failure, he was sure this was nothing to worry about.

Tubbo listened for his voice; all he heard was raindrops hitting the ground forcefully.

He went to look for his house, and what he found punched the air out of his lungs.

It was blown up; his hands started to tremble. He hated seeing the remnants of a place that had exploded; sometimes he'd wake up in the middle of the night because he thought he heard an explosion.

He didn't know how exactly it had looked before; but this? This was lifeless, cold. It was dead. Tubbo tried to reason with himself, he tried to calm his breathing, this didn't mean anything, he didn't know the story, maybe this had been a joke, a mistake.

Tommy had to be safe; he just had to.

Something urgent laced his movements as he ran toward the one place he hoped to find reassurance.

But it was not there; a big gaping hole glared at him, instead.

Panic was starting to set in, and Tubbo shut his eyes close, trying to breathe properly. Everything was okay, he was safe, Tommy was alright, he'd just built a new home for himself, somewhere, Tubbo had to go and find it.

But; where was he? Tubbo looked all around, and he saw nothing, and no one.

The rain was hurting his ears, he tried to desperately make out Tommy's voice between the low thunder growls in the distance.

_He hadn't ended up visiting him._

_Why? Tubbo had no idea. Or, he refused to acknowledge it._

_L'Manberg felt safe, he was able to avoid his fears within its borders. There was nothing they could do to him, he was surrounded by others, they'd protect him._

_But everything felt wrong, everything felt off. The more days passed, the more something started to taste sour on his tongue whenever he uttered his home's name._

_He'd walk around endlessly when the night fell, he didn't dare close his eyes and sleep._

_No one ever truly talked about everything they'd seen._

_Tubbo wondered if maybe, just maybe, some of his friends would also wake up at night, cold sweat sticking to their skin, panting as they tried to drown out the memories clouding their mind._

_Tubbo wondered if certain things his friends saw would also remind them of bad times. He wondered if they felt that weight on their chest, if they felt like suddenly, there was no oxygen around to breathe._

_Tubbo wondered if his friends talked about it. He wanted to know, to join; but an invisible wall kept him in place._

_They all smiled, they all laughed; a bunch of good actors they were, indeed._

_Pretending was easier than facing one's fears, and Tubbo wanted nothing more than to hide and forget._

_He'd often envy Ghostbur; he may have been dead, but his mind was carefree. He didn't remember, and Tubbo felt an air of weightlessness and calm around him. Oh, how Tubbo wished to feel that, too. Instead, all he sensed around him were walls and all he smelled was smoke._

_If he'd ask for an embrace, would his friends comply? Would they take him into their arms, and for a while, pretend like everything was okay?_

_Sometimes, when Tubbo looked into the mirror, he didn't recognize the person he saw gazing back at him._

_Had his eyes always been so dull, his face so stoic?_

_Tubbo was alone, yet surrounded by people. He wanted to reach out, but his hand never dared to move. His heart yearned for comfort, and his soul for peace._

_He was a child; he hadn't seen innocence in so long._

His pace was frantic, Tubbo didn't feel his hands anymore.

His heart was beating painfully hard, it felt like it was travelling up his throat. Why were his lungs burning?

And he stared at the ruins, his chest heaving. The stone was sharp, he saw a few small puddles. Here and there, there were pieces of logs, and something that looked like a barely recognizable pickaxe.

Tubbo felt like he was looking directly into one of his nightmare's core; the silence surrounding him was unbearably loud. All he wanted was the smallest sound, the smallest whimper for him to be able to breathe.

But there was nothing but rain and his own beating heart.

Something caught his eyes, further off to the side. And as he looked, the sounds stopped all together.

_He missed him. So much._

_Hugging his knees tightly, Tubbo rocked back and forth, biting his lip so hard he drew blood._

_His ears were ringing; his breath came out irregularly. He couldn't properly see, sometimes he'd see flashes of white, but the rest was nothing but darkness._

_His whole body was shaking; his head hurt so much._

_He had no sense of direction, no idea where he was. Was it day, was it night? Was he alone, or was someone by his side?_

_Had he been imprisoned, was he stuck in a cave somewhere?_

_Tubbo tried his hardest to see through the tears, but everything was so blurred, so dark._

_His head was full of silent memories, if he tried to close his eyes, he'd see fire. But there was one name that always appeared, and it made him feel even worse._

_There was nothing Tubbo wouldn't have given for Tommy to appear in front of him, talk him through this like he always did, and hold him until his body ceased to shake._

_Tubbo wanted to tell him so much; he wanted to apologize._

_This felt like it was all his fault, he felt like he'd pushed his dearest friend away._

_Tommy was the only one who ever took the time to truly hear him out._

_That night, after one of the worst nightmares he'd had, Tommy had stayed by his side the entire night, and Tubbo had sworn to make it up to him one day._

_Was Tommy also cold, was he afraid?_

_And Tubbo felt something in his chest crack as he realized that even if his best friend was; he was in exile. He was alone. He had no one to reassure him._

_Fuck, Tubbo missed Tommy more than he missed a dreamless sleep._

_For a moment, he thought about just going there. He thought about leaving everything behind, he wanted to go and get Tommy and talk, plan._

_Maybe they could run away; Tubbo didn't care._

_This situation scared him, their separation made him feel like everything would burn again, any second._

_He missed his best friend, he wanted to see him; he wanted to make sure he was not alone._

_Tubbo didn't remember how he'd fallen asleep. Maybe he'd passed out from exhaustion. But the next day, he woke up, and nothing felt the same anymore._

_The light had faded from his eyes, and as his friends called for him, he turned away from his reflection._

_He had a wish deeply rooted in his heart; he had to see Tommy._

_Even if it was the last thing he was going to do._

An eyesore; towering gracefully above the trees, reaching up into the sky. It looked so fragile and thin, maybe if someone stepped on it, it would crumble and fall.

The rain was hitting his face but he didn't feel it. Tubbo forgot how to breathe.

Surely not, surely, he was overreacting?

The wind was cold; Tubbo felt like he was going to burn alive.

He felt it again; that feeling he'd tried to drown out so badly. It was toxic, slowly enveloping his heart, squeezing it together tightly.

Tubbo reached up a hand and grabbed his chest so hard, he felt his skin break beneath his fingers. But his eyes would not leave the tower, his ears would not stop ringing louder and louder, with each new raindrop that fell from the sky.

He heard Tommy's laugh, somewhere far in the back of his mind. He saw their shared memories playing in his head, one by one.

He stood there; frozen. Had he turned into stone?

And he tried to scream; but his mouth didn't move. He was trapped, trapped in that darkness again, but this time he saw clearly; and he saw the one thing he'd always dreaded more than any war, any explosion or any nightmare.

He saw a blown-up base, he saw a tower, and he didn't see his best friend.

Tommy was not there anymore.

A small, quiet sob escaped his blue lips.

Tubbo couldn't even blink, he was using all of his might to try and get even the smallest of glimpses of his friend's shirt, or his fluffy blond hair. There was nothing up there, Tubbo didn't dare look down.

He didn't even feel as his knees gave out and he landed on the hard ground, pain seizing through his entire body.

He stared, and stared, and stared. For minutes, or hours? He didn't know.

Tommy was not there.

Tommy had left.

Tommy had-

And all at once, it hit him.

Really, there was no word that could do the feeling justice; it was powerful enough to crush one's soul, to stop time, and to make you leave your body and watch from afar.

Guilt; gruesome, agonizing and lethal guilt.

Tubbo didn't think anything could hurt more than dying. He’d been wrong.

He lowed himself even further, eyes never leaving the tower, and he put his hands on the wet ground, grabbing the dirt forcefully with his hands.

He missed his best friend.

He'd never see Tommy again.

And maybe it was the memories haunting his mind, or the visions of his future he saw, but it didn't matter. All that did was that Tubbo felt glass shatter, and the world roared back to life around him.

He sat, and stared, eyes empty and heart bleeding out.

Tommy had been alone, at night. He'd had nightmares, he'd had memories, just like Tubbo did. He'd cried, he'd mourned, he'd wished for things to be different.

Tubbo knew that, all of a sudden; and he never felt so much disgust in his life.

With all the pain, all the anguish they'd gone through. Through thick and thin, Tommy holding him whenever Tubbo needed him, reassuring and caring, promising him that life was going to be great again, one day, they'd get there together.

It had been Tubbo who'd pushed Tommy off.

He'd betrayed him, and he'd killed him.

Tommy was dead.

It was all Tubbo's fault.

The sobs that were shaking his body sounded like pleas, like desperate cries for help. He couldn't breathe, he didn't want to.

Tommy had saved him; and Tubbo had killed him.

A murderer, he was no better than those cruel, cruel men. He was no better than the people power-hungry and thirsty for blood.

He was worse; he'd killed his own best friend; he'd killed his brother.

Tubbo wanted Tommy to scream at him. He wanted the younger to appear and curse him out, punch him, chase him down.

He wanted to hear his voice again; was he already starting to forget the sound of it?

What had Tommy felt, to get to that point? What had he suffered through alone?

Tubbo felt like he'd caused it all, and he'd watch his friend build the tower, block for block, until it touched the clouds, until he'd get to the ground, unconscious already.

He heard explosions in his ears, he heard Tommy's screams for help.

Tubbo couldn't move.

"No.", he breathed. It sounded like a goodbye.

He didn't feel his head hit the ground; he had already stopped to think.

Not too far away from the tower, Tubbo lied, bloody finger-marks around the outline of his heart.

Even his unconscious mourned the other, the pain never ceased to stab him, over and over again.

Two children; hearts forever connected.

Two best friends; brothers at heart.

Torn apart by the ruthlessness of reality; and the borders of morality.

Tubbo was no longer haunted by nightmares; he was living them.


End file.
